Start Where You Are

Recently, I have been failing miserably at keeping up my blog and my happiness project.  I could sit here and give all my reasons for not upholding my blog, but instead, I'll just make the statement that it happened and I'll do my best to keep on top of it in the future.  And this statement itself is what the majority of my blog post tonight is about.  Accepting the past, good or bad, and not letting it affect my future.  And more to the point, I need to Start Where I Am. 

While reading another chapter in The Happiness Project, I was hi-lighting (as usual) the sentences, statements and observations that I see as inspiring or worth noting, and came across something that made me stop dead in my tracks.  During the month of June in her project, Gretchen Rubin reflects back on the first six months of her happiness project.  Through this review, she observed that many of her followers were also doing their own versions of the happiness project.  In keeping with her Ten Commandments idea, many of her followers had thought up their own Ten Commandments and had sent them to Gretchen in feedback on her blog.  As I was going along, reading the various commandments and hi-lighting them ("Shit happens- count on it," "Let go, let God," "Light a candle or STFU," etc.), I read one that said, "Start where you are."  I immediately stopped hi-lighting to absorb this simple, yet brilliant, thought- mostly because I knew it was appropriate for me.  START WHERE YOU ARE. 

The way that I approach almost everything in my life is with the statements, "I will accomplish _____ when the conditions are right," "I have to start _____ on a significant day, that way I'll stick with it," or "If only I had done _____ differently, I would be able to do this."  The moral of these sayings being: I NEVER SEEM TO THINK THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR ME TO START SOMETHING OR THAT I AM EVEN ABLE TO START SOMETHING.  Where does my need for the "conditions" to be better for each situation come from?  Is it stemmed in fear of failure?  Slightly, I believe, yes.  More realistically, I believe that I am afraid of just what I might accomplish.  Why is it that I believe in myself so little and yet, am afraid of what I can master?  When I was going through an extremely rough patch a few years ago, a family friend had called the house looking for my parents.  We chatted on the phone for awhile and he was aware of my situation at the current time.  I can no longer remember how we got on the subject, but I will never forget when he said, "I wouldn't worry about it.  Anyone who knows you knows that you will set the world on fire when you're ready."  That has stuck with me to this day, but I still struggle to make myself believe it.  Regardless of positive affirmations from those around me, I still struggle to get the courage and confidence to start things and, more importantly, to give them my all.  My excuse is that the "conditions" aren't right, but what, REALLY, is the underlying issues?  That may take more than a few blog posts to discover.  And right now, as I think about that daunting task- to focus and mend in on my inner issues- I can't help but feel overwhelmed and think, "Well, maybe once I'm done with school I can truly focus on myself."  This is wrong!  Casey, you need to start where you are.  Yes, you are busy with school, work, and the like, but you don't have to dedicate 8 hours a day to this.  Just do a little bit at a time.  One goal that I think I should implement is finding a small notebook that I can fit in my purse and jotting down little revelations that I discover along the way so that I may reflect on them at a different time.    

So, in the near future, I need to reflect on just exactly where I am, where I want to go, and how to bridge the gap; and I need to purchase a small notebook for my purse.  One of these goals will definitely be adopting a healthier lifestyle.  Where I am- very busy at the moment and will be even more so when school starts in a week- it is easy for me to say, I'll find a time later to outline my workout plan, nutrition plan, etc.  But I need to remember that I have used this excuse in the past and I am still here.  Yes, I want to start running 5 miles a day again, but do I have to wait for the conditions to be right for me to begin my plan, or can I find a break in my day and be sure to go for a walk, to gradually get my endurance back up.  I need to stop letting the "conditions" and the need for perfection get in the way of me taking action- which is one of my biggest problems.  Also, defining the issues that I allow to stand in the way of my goals is necessary.  One of these issues (self-deprecation) stood out to me the other day when I heard Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten on the radio.  I have always liked that song for it's inspiring lyrics, however, I have never actually applied them to myself- usually due to feelings of inadequacy.  Additionally, I never really grasped that the song has deep meaning in making mistakes and recovering from them.  Yes, it is apparent in her lyrics, but I guess I was always just caught up on the "writing your story" aspect of the song.  But the other day, these lyrics really struck a chord with me and made me realize the song pertains completely to me:  "I break tradition.  Sometimes my tries are outside the lines.  We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way."  What a completely genius way of putting my feelings into words!  I immediately related these lyrics to one area of my life above the others: school.  As a student who is not on the traditional 4-year plan, I often (probably closer to constantly) feel ashamed that I am 24 and still do not hold a bachelor's degree.  Clearly, this is breaking the tradition of what, as a child, I always believed school to be.  But, while I still feel "icky' about it sometimes (and probably always will fight that urge), I realize that all of my choices, mistakes, and circumstances of life have put me in the position that I am currently in.  And that position is being close to obtaining my bachelor's degree in Nursing, which is a fairly secure field with major growth opportunity.  And it makes me happy, at least for now. ;)  I don't know where I would be if I had stuck with meteorology or business and I NEVER will know.  Though I deem myself an emotional cutter and will always probably fight the urge to wonder, I know that- in the long run- my past doesn't matter.  And not in the sense that I won't learn from my past, but in the sense that I can't cry over spilled milk (even though I am very good at doing that!).  In the end, I can't keep diminishing my self-worth over the fact that I haven't followed the "plan" just as everyone else has.  As John Wooden had illustrated, you must be the best person you can be and not judge your performance based on anyone else but yourself.

So my next goal is to start where I am, regardless of where that is and if I am unhappy with it.  It is here, and the only direction to go is forward.  As my Aunt recently told me, "Don't look back- you're not going that way."

Pre-Goal Attainment Positive Affect

First of all, while I am still in the process of reading The Happiness Project, I can't help but wish that I would write in my blog after reading each section and processing my feelings about it.  Per usual protocol, I haven't stuck to writing my blog everyday nor reading the book everyday (I've been letting life get in the way).  However, I supposed, if I have the time, I might read through the whole book, blogging about it when I can, and then afterward, I will re-read the book, outlining each section and pertaining it to my life as best possible.  With school, work and volunteering on my plate, we'll have to see what works.

The idea of Rubin's that I would like to touch on is pre-goal attainment positive affect.  This is basically the idea that you should be happy while reaching for a goal, not expect to be happy only when you reach a goal.  Believing that I will be happy when I reach a certain goal is, sadly, a theme of my life.  I will be happier once I have gotten back into shape.  I will be happier once I graduate nursing school.  I will be happier when I get a job.  I will be happier when I move out of Florida.  I will be happier when I find someone I truly love.  The list could go on all day.  However, something that Gretchen (via her research) outlined is that, most of the time, when you do reach a goal, you are not as happy as you would have believed you would be.  For one, you usually already expect to reach the goal, which is added into your existing happiness then, so once the goal is officially reached, no leftover happiness is obtained.  Make sense?  Additionally, in the majority of cases, once you reach a goal, a new set of responsibilities and other "set-backs" may cancel out the happiness that is achieved by reaching the goal.  An example of this can be getting a promotion- you strive for the promotion, but once it is acquired, you are given more responsibilities to worry yourself with which can deter from your happiness.  That is not to say that the goal is not worth achieving, or that working towards a goal is negative.  On the contrary, what this means is that the process of working towards the goal should bring you happiness as well and that we should not look to goal attainment as our only source of happiness.  A simpler way of putting this is enjoy the journey.

I always (notice the emphasis) base my happiness on the attainment of my goals.  I like to see my progress.  If I feel like I'm working towards something, I always tend to feel like I'm failing until I have reached it. What's more, when I don't reach what I am going for, I feel like even more of a failure.  Which makes me less likely to reach for anything else.  Which makes me more depressed.  Which makes me more introverted.  Which affects my desire to do anything that *might* make me happy.  Which affects everything in my life- friendships, family, even my pets.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I'm not sure I am explaining this right, but I believe you get the idea.

I realize that I need to be happy with my journey.  I need to give myself credit for actually taking the steps and trying, whether I fail or succeed.  School is a great example of this, in my case.  I am in nursing school and I won't graduate until May, which will make me 25 years old (25 and a half to be exact).  This will be my first B.S.N. degree.  I should have completed this years ago.  I should have completed this in August.  All of these facts weigh greatly on my mind and, though the destination seems bright and possible, the journey is very frustrating and discouraging.  The question is, how do I achieve happiness now, rather than waiting for it to come once I graduate in May?  I believe it will take a lot of mental rearranging and I will have to force myself not to think negatively.  Ultimately, isn't that the struggle of everyday life in general?  

A Quick Note

Since I'm not exactly sure of my feelings nor my reactions to today's events, I can not whole-heartedly write a blog, especially about happiness.  However, what I will say is this:  Today I received some not-so-pleasant news that may be present for the remainder of my years left here on Earth.  That being said, my normal reaction was to switch on to devastation-depression mode per usual protocol.  Despite my best attempts to encourage myself to use what I have been learning from Gretchen Rubin's delightful insights, I combated negative feelings throughout the day.  I spoke to my family, who offered some words of wisdom and motivation.  However, all-in-all, the day had a negative feel. 

The funny thing is that my negative feelings don't seem as "deep" as they may have been a week or two ago.  This may have just been my imagination, but I find myself feeling hopeful, which is very unusual for me on days like today.  I attribute this to the happiness project and my attempt at becoming a more cheerful person.  Be that as it may, today has proposed the question, "What can I do to remain peaceful and happy (as much as possible) when difficult situations arise?"  I am still trying to come up with the answers.  So far, the best I can come up with is to spend time with my pets.  Unfortunately, this can not be the only answer since I can not always be with them.  Days like today show the true challenge of being able to remain blissful in a chaotic world.

Appreciate the Small Stuff

Today, while taking the employee shuttle back to my car from the airport, I came upon a revelation.  You see, today was the day of my 8-hour SafeServe training component for Chili's Too.  On the bus, I was sitting next to a co-worker who said that he barely passed the exam.  Now, I am no expert, but 6 years of working at the Ocean Deck didn't leave me empty handed.  I passed the exam with flying colors.  Not that it is a difficult test to begin with.  And here was my revelation: it felt really great to exert almost nothing towards a goal and pass with such simplicity.  I started to realize how lucky I am that some things just seem to come naturally to me, even if I may not value you them as much as other talents I have.  Especially considering that some people struggle at tasks that seem simplistic to me in nature.  This also got me thinking about nursing school and the fact that I can not just "skate-by" as I am accustomed to with educational endeavors. 

Growing up, I was an excellent student.  Straight A's, gifted club, 98th percentile in standardized tests.  The best part was, it came extremely easy to me.  In fact, pretty much all of my educational endeavors required the minimal amount of exertion for me to excel.  Until nursing school, that is.  All in all, until last year, I was extremely confident in my school work (for the most part).  And then I had a thought.  This last year and a half of my life has been lacking in moral more than usual.  I can not help but to conclude that the stress from nursing school and my A-B record which I have acquired has attributed to this.

Two conclusions have come to mind from this realization.  1).  Since nursing school requires me to exert myself much more than I am accustomed, and sometimes for mediocre grades, my confidence has greatly decreased accordingly.  2).  I need to appreciate the small stuff that helps to build confidence, no matter how unimportant the task may appear.  (After all, isn't everything relative?)

In relation to number one, yes, I do realize that fields such as nursing, medicine, and law usually require much more effort than other areas of focus.  And, no, I'm not trying to sound childish by saying, "I wish I didn't have to work so hard!  How unfair!"  I am quite comfortable with hard work.  However, it is my discouragement pertaining to the fact that when I do work hard for nursing school and it doesn't work out as I've planned that is the problem.  And YES, again, I realize this is normal for a field such as nursing.  I guess, in a round-a-bout way, what I'm trying to illustrate to myself is that, as long as I am doing my best, I shouldn't get discouraged because I am no longer the straight A student that I once was.  As Gretchen Rubin said, "Don't let being perfect get in the way of being good," or something of that nature.  And that is exactly what I usually do.  If I can't be perfect at something, I lose all enthusiasm for doing it and prevent myself from trying at all.  Additionally, I become depressed and my self-esteem sinks even lower than it was previously.  What I need to do is make peace with being the best I can be and doing the best I can do.  As long as I live by that, zero regrets about my effort, I can be okay with the outcome.  Obviously, this will take some training, but I think it is a great goal.

In relation to number two, I need to enjoy the little things.  For example, during my years at community college, I continually made the Dean's list.  Being that it was community college, I did not put much value into the honor.  In fact, it depressed me because I felt like it meant nothing at all.  However, looking back at it, I should have made a bigger deal about it.  I should have let myself at least feel happy about it.  I mean, I may not be the most intelligent person in the world, but I'm certainly not an idiot.  Regardless of how easy my grades may have been to obtain, I still earned them.  Just like this SafeServe exam today.  During the exam, I couldn't believe how simple it was (to me).  Then, listening to my fellow co-worker, I realized that I was lucky to be able to excel in that field, regardless of how "simple" it seemed.  Thinking about it, I could be much worse off.  For my future and my happiness, I need to celebrate the small stuff, the little achievements.  Let's face it, life doesn't always give you opportunities to achieve and excel in all of the areas you want.  So, when you do succeed, regardless of the task, doesn't it make sense to celebrate- even just a little?  For me, I know it will help to raise my self-esteem and make my day just a little bit brighter.  If nothing else, it is just for me to realize again, just how lucky I am. 

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. -Colette

After many years of contemplation and recent influences involving self-reflection, happiness, and discovering who I truly am, I have decided to write a blog.  This blog will chronicle my journey of what I hope to be self-revelation and an ending to self- sabotaging, which if you know me well, is a very common theme of my life.

In order to understand why I'm writing this blog, it is important (at least, for me) to explain why I deem myself a self-saboteur.  Luckily, that is easily explained in the phrase, "I am my worst enemy."  I constantly stand in my own way.  I hold myself back, put myself down, wait until the last minute, or worst of all- neglect to do any action whatsoever.  These traits are quite vexing, especially since I consider myself to be a pretty motivated person when all is said and done.  Too further my belief, my family constantly tells me that I am the only one who holds myself back.  My friends don't understand why I don't have any confidence.  I could go on and on about the nice, motivating things people say about me or I could continue to outline all of my faults, but that's not what this blog is going to be about.  What it is going to be about is my journey to self-love, self-reflection, happiness, and finding out just who I am and what I want.

One thing I do know: I want to live my life.  After stealing the idea from a friend, I picked up the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Immediately, I felt as if she were writing about certain issues in my life.  The fact that I feel like my life is passing me by, being one of them.  Each day is short.  I need to focus on doing and thinking about the things that make me happy- not nitpicking and complaining about every little thing that happens (I have a really bad habit of making small things seem catastrophic).  Therefore, I have decided to make a change, despite how difficult I perceive it to be, and to embrace my life.  Honestly, I'm already almost 25 years old and, while this might seem young, in reality, it is not.

So, how am I going to make these changes?  Well, that is still in the works.  What I can tell you is I will be using such guides as The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin, Zero Regrets by Apolo Ohno, John Wooden's Pyramid of Success, and a list by Todd Dirkin called 83 Ways to make 2011 Your Best Year Yet.  I'm also going to throw in 12 Choices That Lead to Your Success by David Cottrell- yes, Dad, if you've been looking for this book I still have it.  Sorry!  Obviously, if I find anything else helpful or inspiring, I will be sure to add it in for good measure.  Let's be real, I need all of the help and  I can get.

For now, to end this already long post, I want to focus on discovering and detailing what makes me happy.  My top priority happiness items that I have discovered so far are: animals (especially, but not limited to, my pets); reading books (and expanding my collection, even though going to the library would probably be more logical); singing (alone or with others); and holidays.  Unfortunately, I don't believe that I can make a successful living (at least up to my standards) on these hobbies of happiness.  However, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be a large part of my daily life.  Therefore, as pointed out by Mrs. Rubin in The Happiness Project, one theme that I am going to implement into my life is "look for happiness under your own roof."  Luckily for me, I currently have a few furry, four-legged reasons to be happy living under my roof.  I feel better already.  :)