Start Where You Are

Recently, I have been failing miserably at keeping up my blog and my happiness project.  I could sit here and give all my reasons for not upholding my blog, but instead, I'll just make the statement that it happened and I'll do my best to keep on top of it in the future.  And this statement itself is what the majority of my blog post tonight is about.  Accepting the past, good or bad, and not letting it affect my future.  And more to the point, I need to Start Where I Am. 

While reading another chapter in The Happiness Project, I was hi-lighting (as usual) the sentences, statements and observations that I see as inspiring or worth noting, and came across something that made me stop dead in my tracks.  During the month of June in her project, Gretchen Rubin reflects back on the first six months of her happiness project.  Through this review, she observed that many of her followers were also doing their own versions of the happiness project.  In keeping with her Ten Commandments idea, many of her followers had thought up their own Ten Commandments and had sent them to Gretchen in feedback on her blog.  As I was going along, reading the various commandments and hi-lighting them ("Shit happens- count on it," "Let go, let God," "Light a candle or STFU," etc.), I read one that said, "Start where you are."  I immediately stopped hi-lighting to absorb this simple, yet brilliant, thought- mostly because I knew it was appropriate for me.  START WHERE YOU ARE. 

The way that I approach almost everything in my life is with the statements, "I will accomplish _____ when the conditions are right," "I have to start _____ on a significant day, that way I'll stick with it," or "If only I had done _____ differently, I would be able to do this."  The moral of these sayings being: I NEVER SEEM TO THINK THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR ME TO START SOMETHING OR THAT I AM EVEN ABLE TO START SOMETHING.  Where does my need for the "conditions" to be better for each situation come from?  Is it stemmed in fear of failure?  Slightly, I believe, yes.  More realistically, I believe that I am afraid of just what I might accomplish.  Why is it that I believe in myself so little and yet, am afraid of what I can master?  When I was going through an extremely rough patch a few years ago, a family friend had called the house looking for my parents.  We chatted on the phone for awhile and he was aware of my situation at the current time.  I can no longer remember how we got on the subject, but I will never forget when he said, "I wouldn't worry about it.  Anyone who knows you knows that you will set the world on fire when you're ready."  That has stuck with me to this day, but I still struggle to make myself believe it.  Regardless of positive affirmations from those around me, I still struggle to get the courage and confidence to start things and, more importantly, to give them my all.  My excuse is that the "conditions" aren't right, but what, REALLY, is the underlying issues?  That may take more than a few blog posts to discover.  And right now, as I think about that daunting task- to focus and mend in on my inner issues- I can't help but feel overwhelmed and think, "Well, maybe once I'm done with school I can truly focus on myself."  This is wrong!  Casey, you need to start where you are.  Yes, you are busy with school, work, and the like, but you don't have to dedicate 8 hours a day to this.  Just do a little bit at a time.  One goal that I think I should implement is finding a small notebook that I can fit in my purse and jotting down little revelations that I discover along the way so that I may reflect on them at a different time.    

So, in the near future, I need to reflect on just exactly where I am, where I want to go, and how to bridge the gap; and I need to purchase a small notebook for my purse.  One of these goals will definitely be adopting a healthier lifestyle.  Where I am- very busy at the moment and will be even more so when school starts in a week- it is easy for me to say, I'll find a time later to outline my workout plan, nutrition plan, etc.  But I need to remember that I have used this excuse in the past and I am still here.  Yes, I want to start running 5 miles a day again, but do I have to wait for the conditions to be right for me to begin my plan, or can I find a break in my day and be sure to go for a walk, to gradually get my endurance back up.  I need to stop letting the "conditions" and the need for perfection get in the way of me taking action- which is one of my biggest problems.  Also, defining the issues that I allow to stand in the way of my goals is necessary.  One of these issues (self-deprecation) stood out to me the other day when I heard Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten on the radio.  I have always liked that song for it's inspiring lyrics, however, I have never actually applied them to myself- usually due to feelings of inadequacy.  Additionally, I never really grasped that the song has deep meaning in making mistakes and recovering from them.  Yes, it is apparent in her lyrics, but I guess I was always just caught up on the "writing your story" aspect of the song.  But the other day, these lyrics really struck a chord with me and made me realize the song pertains completely to me:  "I break tradition.  Sometimes my tries are outside the lines.  We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way."  What a completely genius way of putting my feelings into words!  I immediately related these lyrics to one area of my life above the others: school.  As a student who is not on the traditional 4-year plan, I often (probably closer to constantly) feel ashamed that I am 24 and still do not hold a bachelor's degree.  Clearly, this is breaking the tradition of what, as a child, I always believed school to be.  But, while I still feel "icky' about it sometimes (and probably always will fight that urge), I realize that all of my choices, mistakes, and circumstances of life have put me in the position that I am currently in.  And that position is being close to obtaining my bachelor's degree in Nursing, which is a fairly secure field with major growth opportunity.  And it makes me happy, at least for now. ;)  I don't know where I would be if I had stuck with meteorology or business and I NEVER will know.  Though I deem myself an emotional cutter and will always probably fight the urge to wonder, I know that- in the long run- my past doesn't matter.  And not in the sense that I won't learn from my past, but in the sense that I can't cry over spilled milk (even though I am very good at doing that!).  In the end, I can't keep diminishing my self-worth over the fact that I haven't followed the "plan" just as everyone else has.  As John Wooden had illustrated, you must be the best person you can be and not judge your performance based on anyone else but yourself.

So my next goal is to start where I am, regardless of where that is and if I am unhappy with it.  It is here, and the only direction to go is forward.  As my Aunt recently told me, "Don't look back- you're not going that way."